This past week has been (in a few words) sick, awful, discouraging, rotten, and just plain old bad. It may come as a shock to you if you don't know me well but yes, I do experience bad days and weeks.
Life isn't always as carefree as I often make it appear.
In retrospect I realize that my so called "bad week" was due to an extreme amount of sin in my life- big shocker (those last 2 words spoken in the most sarcastic tone you can imagine). I have been on a "journey" to experiencing brokenness and lifestyle repentance over the last few weeks but it has looked far different than I imagined it would.
Several weeks ago now I read Romans 2:4 and it completely baffled me ("Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?").
I thought, "I certainly experience kindness but I just soak and the truth is, my response isn't repentance. Something is wrong here."
So my goal the last few weeks was to seek the Lord in His Word, wherein I would experience great kindness and ultimately I would know repentance (you see, that is the formula that leads to perfect repentance - repeat sarcastic tone here).
I had more time than usual to spend seeking the Lord in His Word this week, and while I did read more this week than I have for a while I was consumed with guilt over my failure to be consistent.
Now, you must understand, I didn't know it was guilt. I was simply frustrated and rightfully so I told myself. I remember specifically telling myself one day, "I need to understand the importance and place of spiritual disciplines in my life so that I can take them seriously. I'm serious this time. No, really." but the guilt didn't drive me to the Word (never does). (please know that I am not in any way discrediting spiritual disciplines and if you will follow my journey with me to the end you will see quite the opposite conclusion)
So as I was saying, the guilt didn't drive me to the Word but rather further from seeking it for fear of what I might see of myself there (as though I seek myself in the Word and not the Lord- how foolish). While I desired repentance I was scared and it only made me feel more guilty for avoiding time with God and the cycle just spun downward until I felt on the edge of giving up.
Which brings us to tonight.
My favorite new Ben friend wrote me a message tonight wherein he stated:
"...I've been very lacking in communication with Abba, Father lately. I don't feel guilty about that, but I'm just disappointed because I know I'm missing out, yet all these distractions in my life get placed as more important. I think God might define that as idolatry, and that is not exactly acceptable. And because I'm thinking about it, and I want it, I'm going to go in my room and get my Bible out and spend a little time with Him."
Maybe it was the sincerity I could practically see in his face (though 2,000 miles away) in the statement "I don't feel guilty about that" or the fact that his desire drove him to immediate action, but that short paragraph sparked something for me. I remembered an article my dear friend Mark shared with me years ago (one I was unprepared for at that time and rejected but a truth the Lord had reserved for tonight):
Freedom From Quite Time Guilt by Greg Johnson
I'm labeling this article a must read because I can't describe the change I believe it has begun already in my life even these last few hours. The article outlines a "strength Christianity" (where my consistency proves my standing with God) vs a "weakness Christianity" (where my inability and complete lack of power provides my standing with God). As I read it the Lord began breaking down walls in my heart and comforting me with His strength in my weakness. I'm embracing my weakness. The fact that I can't do it is where I find that I'm not supposed to- He can, He has and is doing it (the work to bring about my righteousness was accomplished in Christ- not my sacrifices)! The article revealed my wrong view of Scripture reading as a "discipline" and forgetting that it is a grace.
Psalm 51:16-17
"For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."
Conclusion:
I have been seeking a "repentance experience" out of my sins this week. What I found though, was that I am so completely blind that I don't even recognize sin in my life. I was focusing on my actions (or rather lack thereof) as the sin - my failure to read every day - when in reality my sin was one of the heart (pride) - the desire to claim consistency as my stronghold. I am not commanded in Scripture to "read the Bible every day or else" but I am commanded to mediate (which I was doing). I was legalistically holding myself to a standard that God didn't put there.
The Lord has begun a good work in me. I am experiencing repentance and like I said, it looks nothing like I thought it would.
I weep for joy and not out of pain.
Where I expected pain I found relief.
I lived as though chained down by guilt but realize now that I am free!
Free to desire and pursue time with God- guilt free time!
"And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace (not just discipline)
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life"
(All I Have Is Christ- Na Band)
2 songs by Aaron Keyes are SO fitting to this that I can't not mention them here:
Not What My Hands and Not Guilty Anymore (which you can listen to for free at Rhapsody)
Not what my hands have done,
Can save my guilty soul
Not what my toiling flesh has borne,
Can make my spirit whole
Not what I feel or do,
Can give me peace with God
Not all my prayers and sighs and tears,
Can bear my awful load
Thy work alone, O Christ,
Can ease this weight of sin
Thy blood alone, O Lamb of God,
Can give me peace within
Thy love, to me, O God,
Not mine, O Lord, to Thee
Can rid me of this dark unrest,
And set my spirit free
Thy grace alone, O God,
To me can pardon speak
Thy power, O Lamb of God,
Can this sore bondage break
No other works save Thine,
No other blood will do
The strength of God which is divine,
Can bear me safely through
These guilty hands are raised
Filthy rags are all I bring
And I have come to hide beneath your wings
These holy hands are raised
Washed in the fountain of your grace
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