Not all questions have answers

Of this I am keenly aware.

I believe that God gives all good gifts and that all the gifts He gives are good.
So what do I do with unfulfilled desire?
How does my belief change the way I view my current situation?
If my desire is not against the character of God- in itself it is not sin- and the desire is still unfulfilled what do I do with it?

It's easy to say wait.

Is it possible to fake it til you make it?



It's fairly easy to believe that what I have is good (in my head at least) but this doesn't produce understanding or even contentment.

Is understanding a necessary part of contentment? (I KNOW the answer to this one- NO)


I'm beginning to see that contentment is given and sustained not in who I am but in who God is. That He never changes- that He IS enough- that He views me as righteous- that He (having satiated the wrath of God toward my sin on the cross) sat down and it was finished- that He DOES give good gifts so I MUST view the gift I am receiving with open arms in full acceptance of His goodness apart from my understanding.

Is that the answer then? To all unanswered questions?

Not Guilty Anymore

Confession:
This past week has been (in a few words) sick, awful, discouraging, rotten, and just plain old bad. It may come as a shock to you if you don't know me well but yes, I do experience bad days and weeks.
Life isn't always as carefree as I often make it appear.

In retrospect I realize that my so called "bad week" was due to an extreme amount of sin in my life- big shocker (those last 2 words spoken in the most sarcastic tone you can imagine). I have been on a "journey" to experiencing brokenness and lifestyle repentance over the last few weeks but it has looked far different than I imagined it would.

Several weeks ago now I read Romans 2:4 and it completely baffled me ("Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?").
I thought, "I certainly experience kindness but I just soak and the truth is, my response isn't repentance. Something is wrong here."

So my goal the last few weeks was to seek the Lord in His Word, wherein I would experience great kindness and ultimately I would know repentance (you see, that is the formula that leads to perfect repentance - repeat sarcastic tone here).

I had more time than usual to spend seeking the Lord in His Word this week, and while I did read more this week than I have for a while I was consumed with guilt over my failure to be consistent.
Now, you must understand, I didn't know it was guilt. I was simply frustrated and rightfully so I told myself. I remember specifically telling myself one day, "I need to understand the importance and place of spiritual disciplines in my life so that I can take them seriously. I'm serious this time. No, really." but the guilt didn't drive me to the Word (never does). (please know that I am not in any way discrediting spiritual disciplines and if you will follow my journey with me to the end you will see quite the opposite conclusion)

So as I was saying, the guilt didn't drive me to the Word but rather further from seeking it for fear of what I might see of myself there (as though I seek myself in the Word and not the Lord- how foolish). While I desired repentance I was scared and it only made me feel more guilty for avoiding time with God and the cycle just spun downward until I felt on the edge of giving up.
Which brings us to tonight.

My favorite new Ben friend wrote me a message tonight wherein he stated:

"...I've been very lacking in communication with Abba, Father lately. I don't feel guilty about that, but I'm just disappointed because I know I'm missing out, yet all these distractions in my life get placed as more important. I think God might define that as idolatry, and that is not exactly acceptable. And because I'm thinking about it, and I want it, I'm going to go in my room and get my Bible out and spend a little time with Him."

Maybe it was the sincerity I could practically see in his face (though 2,000 miles away) in the statement "I don't feel guilty about that" or the fact that his desire drove him to immediate action, but that short paragraph sparked something for me. I remembered an article my dear friend Mark shared with me years ago (one I was unprepared for at that time and rejected but a truth the Lord had reserved for tonight):


Freedom From Quite Time Guilt by Greg Johnson

I'm labeling this article a must read because I can't describe the change I believe it has begun already in my life even these last few hours. The article outlines a "strength Christianity" (where my consistency proves my standing with God) vs a "weakness Christianity" (where my inability and complete lack of power provides my standing with God). As I read it the Lord began breaking down walls in my heart and comforting me with His strength in my weakness. I'm embracing my weakness. The fact that I can't do it is where I find that I'm not supposed to- He can, He has and is doing it (the work to bring about my righteousness was accomplished in Christ- not my sacrifices)! The article revealed my wrong view of Scripture reading as a "discipline" and forgetting that it is a grace.

Psalm 51:16-17
"For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

Conclusion:
I have been seeking a "repentance experience" out of my sins this week. What I found though, was that I am so completely blind that I don't even recognize sin in my life. I was focusing on my actions (or rather lack thereof) as the sin - my failure to read every day - when in reality my sin was one of the heart (pride) - the desire to claim consistency as my stronghold. I am not commanded in Scripture to "read the Bible every day or else" but I am commanded to mediate (which I was doing). I was legalistically holding myself to a standard that God didn't put there.

The Lord has begun a good work in me. I am experiencing repentance and like I said, it looks nothing like I thought it would.

I weep for joy and not out of pain.
Where I expected pain I found relief.
I lived as though chained down by guilt but realize now that I am free!
Free to desire and pursue time with God- guilt free time!

"And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace (not just discipline)
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life"
(All I Have Is Christ- Na Band)

2 songs by Aaron Keyes are SO fitting to this that I can't not mention them here:
Not What My Hands and Not Guilty Anymore (which you can listen to for free at Rhapsody)

Not what my hands have done,
Can save my guilty soul
Not what my toiling flesh has borne,
Can make my spirit whole
Not what I feel or do,
Can give me peace with God
Not all my prayers and sighs and tears,
Can bear my awful load

Thy work alone, O Christ,
Can ease this weight of sin
Thy blood alone, O Lamb of God,
Can give me peace within
Thy love, to me, O God,
Not mine, O Lord, to Thee
Can rid me of this dark unrest,
And set my spirit free

Thy grace alone, O God,
To me can pardon speak
Thy power, O Lamb of God,
Can this sore bondage break
No other works save Thine,
No other blood will do
The strength of God which is divine,
Can bear me safely through

These guilty hands are raised
Filthy rags are all I bring
And I have come to hide beneath your wings
These holy hands are raised
Washed in the fountain of your grace

Under the Weather

I found myself under the weather today.
Typical symptoms include: achy body, sore throat, runny nose.
I blame this conundrum on a long coat-less walk I took through the cold shadows of the skyscrapers in downtown Denver yesterday, one way empty handed and the other way loaded with $400 worth of printed marketing materials.

Why is there healing power in a heavy blanket and a hot cup of tea?

Why does the tea taste better out of my old favorite childhood mug?

Am I actually warmer for imagining that long gone fall-mountain-sunshine or is that simply psychological?

Saying Goodbye

I began composing this entry back in May and when I came across it today, decided it was time to share it.

5/06/2009
I am extremely grateful for the way the Lord reminds me of my future hope and just how far separated I am from perfection right now. He constantly is at work to reconcile all things (including my understanding) to Himself. (Colossians 1:19-20 “For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.”) This is all necessary because of our fallen and separated state. When the first sin was committed in the garden, goodbyes became necessary. Death would happen and we would have to say goodbye. Eternal separation would bring painful goodbyes that would never be reconciled but for those who believe in the resurrection of Christ over death and sin, for these there is a hope of a future reunion. (I Thessalonians 4:13-18)

So here I am on the brink of my college graduation. I try not to think about all the people who I will say goodbye to in three days. The day I’ve anticipated for years -May 9, 2009- is now approaching with a mix of excitement and dread and I’m trying to deal with it all. My typical method of dealing (analyzing it until it makes sense) doesn’t seem to be working. The thought popped into my head, “Why did God make goodbyes?” They don’t seem to fit into my understanding of His character and plan. Usually, I’m able to fit everything under my umbrella of preparation for future glory and a greater understanding of God (example: earthly marriage as a way to relate to my heavenly bridegroom, creation as a glimpse of the beauty of my God etc.) but now I’ve hit this road block. Goodbyes? Where do they fit in? Ultimately, when I’ve reached that “blissful shore” I won’t have to say goodbye any more. I’ll be with my Savior forever. I suppose there will be those goodbyes to all the ones who won’t join me in Canaan but is that really all that goodbyes represent?



So here I am, just over 6 months later and it seems like yesterday that I asked these questions. I never came to a conclusion and I still feel powerless to reach one.

Could it be that goodbyes in their pain and discomfort are meant to draw me closer to their antithesis- perfect unity with my Creator, devoid of all separation?

These questions remind me of my finite state and cause me to greatly anticipate the day when 1 Corinthians 13:12 will be fulfilled in me:
“For now we see in a mirror, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know fully even as also I was fully known.”

Oh for that day when faith becomes sight!
When blind trust won't be needed because all will be known!
Oh Lord, increase my faith now until that blessed day comes!


Philippians 3:20-1 “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.”

Praise [preyz]- L pretium - prize, worth, reward

Praise (as defined by the Random House Unabridged Dictionary)

1. the act of expressing approval or admiration; commendation; laudation.
2. the offering of grateful homage in words or song, as an act of worship: a hymn of praise to God.



I finally made it to the ISI (International Students Inc.) meeting at the meeting place tonight. I’ve been meaning to go for a while but kept making excuses about having better things to do.
Foolish really.
Depriving myself each time of a unique blessing.
A ministry to reach the world with Christ through International Students right here in Denver.

The topic of tonight’s discussion was The Souls Need for Praise.
From one of the opening statements that “praise completes our enjoyment” of the object we praise to another, that “our enjoyment is only as good/lasting as the things we give our praise to” the night was full of thought provoking statements.

During discussion time the question that most captured my attention was:
“Does praise come from our experience?”
followed by
“Are we able to praise something that we haven’t experienced?”

This is the background as to why the questions above really struck me tonight.
In one of his current graduate classes through BBC my friend Kevin is studying the difference between the Old Testament Christian experience and modern day Christianity. Where the Israelites literally experienced God (they saw the Red Sea part in front of them and consume the Egyptians behind them, etc.) we, in present Christianity have head knowledge (we read about these acts of power) before we have the experience to reinforce that knowledge. Chew on that one for a while.

Help me out here:
Does experience only come through the senses?
Do you have to taste a food before you can appreciate it?
Do you have to see the ocean before you can appreciate its beauty?
What if someone describes the food to you? What if they explain all the facets of the ocean? Can you still experience praise? Without firsthand experience…

Help me think through this.

Music (myoo-zik)- Gk mousik (téchnē) (the art) of the Muse

Music (as defined by the Random House Unabridged Dictionary)
1. an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony and color.

Over the last month I have had the chance to experience the depths of this definition of music.

Art.

Expression of ideas.

Emotions.

Color!

Here are a few excerpts…

On the large scale there was the Creed concert that my brother and I went to. A display of musical magnitude.

Incredible talent both vocally and instrumentally.

Part of the enjoyment of music comes in sharing it with people you care about. I think this is true of all of God's gifts. Perhaps even part of the reason He created me? To share in the beauty that His is...

I've been lucky to have some fun sharing music with others as well.

Jon and I after the Creed and Staind concert.

Jon, Mom, me and Dad at Wicked.

Another display of FANTASTIC musical ability mixed with beautiful performance.

First Churchill concert at The Marquis here in Denver.
I have become such a huge fan of this new local band. (New friend Mike from church is the mandolin player.)

This is a new song by Churchill called Sons and Daughters. Beautiful words and music performed at Everyday Joe's in Ft. Collins.

Another local group called SHEL. I was blown away by the mandolin action in the song Tuscany.

God is the one who gives ability!!! Let's praise Him!

Isaiah 5:11-12 says, "Woe to those who rise early in the morning, that they may run after strong drink, who tarry late into the evening as wine inflames them! They have lyre and harp, tambourine and flute and wine at their feasts, but they do not regard the deeds of the LORD, or see the work of his hands."

The sin is not in their strong drink, their instruments or their feasts but rather in their lack of acknowledging God.

I read this quote on a friend’s Facebook this morning and thought it fitting for the post I was composing:

"Therefore, in reading profane authors, the admirable light of truth displayed in them should remind us, that the human mind, however much fallen and perverted from its original integrity, is still adorned and invested with admirable gifts from its Creator...In despising the gifts, we insult the Giver." ~ John Calvin

I praise the Lord for the ability to enjoy these gifts daily!

What I most appreicate about my local church:

Today I entered myself in a "drawing" for a free ESV Study Bible by submitting a short composition about what I most appreciate about my local church. I thought it was a great way to record the recent blessings from PBC.

Alyssa G.
Denver, CO
Providence Bible Church


I am a part of a church plant that just celebrated it's 1 year anniversary in September. Even though I have been attending church my whole life I believe I am experiencing a complete church for the first time as a part of Providence Bible Church. Nothing is assumed here. Basic Christianity is being redefined and its only source is the Word of God, traditions aside. While I have lived the importance of community my whole life, surrounded by believers and recognizing our dependence on one another in the church (for the use of gifts and for ministry, for evangelism and discipleship and so much more) it was at Providence that I first learned the theology of christian community.

The theology of community is supported all throughout Scripture and we overlook it far too often. One of my pastor's recently stated "Community was not created" and he is completely right. Community existed within the Triune God long before creation. Genesis 1:26-7
speaks of this community by using plural terms and even more clearly Christ, in His priestly prayer in John 17 (specifically verses 20-26) asks that those whom He has called will be "one" just as He and the Father are one. Community is rooted in the theology of God.

At Providence I am learning not only the theology of community but the daily activity and working out of that community. Formally and informally we are encouraged to live as the church -the body of Christ- not just at the meeting place on Sunday but every day of the
week. Taking part in community draws my heart to a daily praise of the God who freely gives of Himself to me through the church.