Adventure # Next

Robes of Righteousness

2011-08-17T12:59:00.003-06:00

I wrote this a while back as the second part of a writing entitled Fear of Loss and Robes of Righteousness. The first part isn't quite ready for the public but I was reminded of the second half in my meditation today so I wanted to get it out:

Today I am meditation on Christ’s love for me in spite of my deep sin (mis propios pecados). I meditate on this to counteract the lies of injustice and hurt from the sins of others that bombard me and threaten to triumph. The sins of others that my flesh would turn away from in disgust out of hurt and self-righteousness. The sins of others that the Spirit inside of me responds to with gentleness, humility, long suffering, and forgiveness. To me though, it feels a lot like betrayal and I tell myself that I don’t have any right to be hurt because, for all practical purposes, it had nothing to do with me. THIS is my experience though. The sins of others hurt. I don’t need anyone else to validate that. I hold back the proof behind heavy eyelids and a forced smile.

So I say to my soul, “Meditation on Christ’s love for you in spite of your deep sin.”

I am amazed by the depth in which I am accepted in Christ. I cannot begin to comprehend just how He does it. I guess I would place this act under the word perfection in the dictionary. A verb even though Webster calls it a noun. It describes the way He looks on me in all of my sin, rebellion, and filth (aka- me at my best) and He loves me. He isn’t repulsed by me and He doesn’t hold it against me at all. He doesn’t name me Filthy as he ought to but instead clothes me in righteousness and calls me Beauty. This is what I’m called to do toward others too but I can only do it when I understand, accept, and acknowledge that it has already been done for me. And it has been done. In a big way. This one (the means to perfection) goes under Calvary in the dictionary.

And to those who have caused pain to others with their sin I long to say, “The weight of your sin isn’t yours alone anymore. In relationship your sin affects others. That means it hurts others too and that means that they bear the hurt with you. The weight of your sin doesn’t isolate you or cause distance from others when dealt with properly. When dealt with in light of Calvary, your sin now binds you even more to the ones you are in relationship with. In relationship your sin both past and future hurts others too. In relationship the forgiveness by Christ for your sin is enough to cover the hurts on every side.”

I see now that today’s battle was one of forgiveness.

How could I not forgive when I have been forgiven of so much?

“And you were dead in the trespasses and sins in which you once walked, following the course of this world, following the prince of the power of the air, the spirit that is now at work in the sons of disobedience among whom we all once lived in the passions of our flesh, carrying out the desires of the body and the mind, and were by nature children of wrath, like the rest of mankind. But God, being rich in mercy, because of the great love with which he loved us, even when we were dead in our trespasses, made us alive together with Christ by grace you have been saved…” Ephesians 2:1-5

Impending Change

2011-01-18T09:51:00.015-07:00

I am encouraged at the Lord's work in preparing me for life's impending changes. About a month ago, through several conversations with friends, I came to the realization that I was in an in-between place. Not quite connected but not fully disconnected- floating yes, but not floating away by any means. (January 2011)

(August 2011) I began writing this blog 8 months ago on the brink of life's changes and I am now sitting on the other side, in a newly settled life, reflecting on all that has happened. I have been remiss in not keeping up with this blog. 8 months has brought with it a GREAT deal of change and I know that I will miss deeply important things in my writing of it but I also know that these 8 months have created a change in me that can't be missed.

Let's begin with career change.
Back in January I was still working at Cole but I sensed the change coming in my career and I felt very unsettled about the impending change. Unsure of what would happen I began feeling disconnected from the team there and I couldn't figure out what was happening. It wasn't long before I heard from my supervisor that funding would not exist for my position the following year and that when my contract was up in May I would no longer be renewed as the Director of Communication and Development with Friends of Cole. It took a few weeks to process and begin making my "To Do" list in preparation for my job search. I polished up my resume and began networking with the connections I had made in the community.

In mid February I heard about a non-profit organization (City Year) hiring for a new a site in Denver. City Year is working to combat the urban high school drop out rate by deploying 17-24 year olds as full time mentors, tutors and roll models into public schools in 21 cities across the continental U.S. as well as 2 internationally (London, England and Johannesburg, South Africa). A friend of mine had served with City Year Seattle for 2 years and she and I shared many unique cultural experiences from her time as a corps member and my time in Christian education. The week after my first introduction to City Year a gentleman I had been working with in the community called me after receiving my resume and asked, "Have you heard of City Year? You would be perfect for that organization."

To make a short story even shorter I took the hint, contacted City Year, applied, was invited to interview, interviewed, was offered a position, and began working with the Comcast Start-Up Team all within less than 10 days time. A clear gift from God.
I worked as a Program Associate for 4 months before applying for and being accepted into a full time position with City Year Denver as the Corporate Relations and Foundations Manager which I began on July 1, 2011. But that is just the beginning of the change that I have seen in the last 8 months.

The Lord also saw fit to bless me with a godly man.
Ryan and I were acquaintances back in early high school through our Christian schools' camps and fine arts competitions. He had a crush on my best friend at the time and I remember very little about him from then but we hung out a few times back in the day and I have pictures to prove it (I'll not be posting pictures of that embarrassing time just yet). He likes to say that we "reunited" when he began attending Providence (my church here in Denver) in February.

As much as I want to write out our whole story here I think it deserves a blog post all to itself (coming soon to a computer screen near you) so for now I will just say that the last 3 months since we began dating have been an incredible time of unparalleled joy and intense spiritual growth for both of us. We don’t know what the future holds but we are crazy about each other and so thankful that this act of obedience to the Lord is such an easy one.

About 2 months ago I was chatting with an old friend about the Lord’s hand on our life situations and while circumstances can be difficult and discouraging at times, our faith in Christ sustains us. I told her that I felt very blessed and her response has stuck with me and resounded in my mind over and over the last few months:

“Alyssa, you are blessed and highly favored.”

Growing Faith

2010-07-07T15:59:00.003-06:00

Just short of 5 months ago I began the journey of becoming a first time home owner. (You can read the first "chapter" of my journey here.) 12 days ago I signed the initial contract on the house that I thought was the answer to those prayers but I learned today that the adorable brick bungalow off of 35th and Fillmore was only one chapter in the yet unfinished story (humanly speaking). The Lord has a far better story already written and he is slowing revealing His goodness to me each step of the way.

When I got the call about the termination of the contract today my first response was to smile at how the Lord is just including this to the list of faith building circumstances in life as of late. Below is the story I told to a friend just 3 days ago. I see now an even greater part of God's plan for this past weekend...

Hey Shannon,

I just wanted to share a blessing with you as the time for our trip to Haiti is so quickly approaching. I left for a friend's wedding last Thursday and while driving from Philadelphia to northern New Jersey , about 30 min from our final destination, the wheel (in it's entirety) flew off our car, across 4 lanes of traffic, and into someone on the other side of the highway's windshield. No one was injured, praise the Lord, but our vehicle was out of commission so after the weekend of wedding activities and such we had to find another way to travel the 3 hours back to PA on Sunday. We took a bus from NY to a station near Philly which was close to the home of a girl my sister is working with for the summer who happened to be driving the 1 hour difference back to my sister's camp this evening. We were able to spend some time with this friend's family before leaving for the last leg of the trip and my trip to Haiti came up in the last 5 min as we were leaving. So that's part 1 of the story.

Part 2 before the huge faith increasing ending is this: as I was leaving for this trip a plumber was running a sewer scope on the house I am pursuing buying. Long story short there were several complications over the next 3 days and the result was the very near possibility of losing my contract on the house. Faith testing! I've been saying (and believing) that God wants me to invest financially and thereby emotionally in this particular property EVEN IF the end result is not me obtaining the property but at the first sight of that happening I began questioning the Lord. Yesterday was really rough but with some extra pleas to the Lord and Godly support I was back to trusting and out of my sinful worry in no time.
So about 30 min ago I hugged Melissa's parents and thanked them for their hospitality in inviting us to eat with them today and she snuck me some money for the trip. This family I had known for less than 1 hour gave $500 toward the mission in Haiti. I got to the car and saw how much they had given and immediately cried tears of gratefulness to the Lord for His personal love for me. My faith is constantly renewed in the One who does above and beyond what I could ask or think. He ordained good things for me, including a broken vehicle. He already had laid on the hearts of these strangers to me to give. I'm overjoyed and thrilled about the many ways God will keep increasing my faith through the trip and ultimately until my faith is made whole at the sight of this great God!

Rejoicing anew,
~Alyssa

Today I am rejoicing that the Lord revealed my little faith when He allowed me the great privilege of my recent "trial" with the house and it's inspection problems.

Today I am rejoicing that the Lord produced a stronger faith in me than what I knew even this morning.

Today I am anticipating the great faith that the Lord is already working out in my life.

What's in a name?

2010-04-26T16:37:00.002-06:00

A name (according to the American Heritage Dictionary) is but “a mere designation, as distinguished from fact.” I like this definition but I find so much more meaning than this in a name.

I am a sucker for a well placed personal name reference in either written or spoken communication. There is something almost romantic about it to me when used right.

I love full names - the kind that most people shorten for convenience sake, I love saying in their entirety. To the Jillians, the Jonathans, the Christophers, the Elizabeths, the Benjamins, and the Nathaniels of the world your names bring a smile to my face.

Yesterday I was captivated by the emotion that can fuse itself with a spoken name. These are the accounts from my yesterday which led to these retrospective thoughts:

Account #1: When I introduced myself to you and asked you your name the reply came back with a, “You should know this” attached. I should have remembered meeting you last month. I didn’t sense frustration and resentment in your voice though, but rather forgiveness for my lack of care in forgetting you so quickly. The name said it all.

Account #2: You called me the wrong name. I took it as a compliment. The name you chose in place of my own was attached to one I enjoy being associated with and I was grateful to share it for a moment. The name said it all.

Account #3: Until my name was spoken in that tone of voice, I didn’t recognize the frustration you were feeling about our inability to understand one another during the conversation that consumed our long walk. The name said it all.

Account #4: I see the love for her in your eyes and oh when you speak her name… She is beautiful to you. Even her name is beautiful to you. The name said it all.

2010-03-15T14:04:00.006-06:00

Immigration:

I can't begin to claim that I have an understanding of the whole issue- politically, socially, or biblically but God is teaching me about His love and my responsibility through the subject of immigration.

Yesterday Dr. Daniel Carroll, Distinguished Professor of Old Testament at Denver Seminary, came to Providence to teach the church on "Thinking 'Christianly' About Immigration". I had no idea what to expect. Going into it I had given very little thought to the issue (I viewed it that way too- as a political issue over which I had no power or responsibility). I, like many who were brought up around conservative republican Christians, fell back on Romans 13 as my defense:

"Let every person be subject to the governing authorities..."

This is a fairly easy cop-out for me so that I don't actually have to consider the possibility that I could be in the wrong. Yes, obedience is a command. I'm not changing my stance on that. But who is my ultimate authority? I saw a portion of the Scriptures posted outside a church last week that said:

"to obey is better than sacrifice"

Taken out of context this portion of I Samuel 15:22 speaks an entirely different message. When I look at the entirety of that passage, the difference between obedience and sacrifice being spoken of really comes down to authority-God or man. God had set up a law for His people that included sacrifices, but He was not pleased with even the best of sacrifices when it was against His direct command to Saul.

So how does this relate to immigration?

Dr. Carrol challenged us not to start the debate about immigration at the border- at Romans 12/13- where law breakers deserve what they get (which, for the record, they are getting much more than "what they deserve" which is an entirely different argument- one of which I am realizing I need to understand much more before I can really attest to my position on it).
Our Christian thinking about immigration must begin in Genesis 1- that all men are created in the image of God and are equal. Listening to story after story about immigration in the Bible (which I had never even seen although it is right in front of me) was eye opening. I don't yet grasp exactly what Scripture then gives me as a proper guideline for dealing with immigrants but I do know that Scripture says:

"He [the LORD] executes justice for the fatherless and the widow, and loves the sojourner, giving him food and clothing. Love the sojourner, therefore, for you were sojourners in the land of Egypt." Deuteronomy 10:18-19

"'Cursed be anyone who perverts the justice due to the sojourner, the fatherless, and the widow.' And all the people shall say, 'Amen.'" Deuteronomy 27:19

"Thus says the LORD of hosts, Render true judgments, show kindness and mercy to one another, do not oppress the widow, the fatherless, the sojourner, or the poor, and let none of you devise evil against another in your heart." Zechariah 7:9-10

That is only the beginning of the references to the sojourner or foreigner in the Old Testament. Not even scratching the surface. This doesn't even include all the passages dealing with loving one another with the love Christ showed to us in His death on the cross. I am looking forward to reading Dr. Carroll's book Christians at the Border to gain a deeper understanding of this issue.

I am realizing that I default to obedience. This is not a bad thing in most situations and I am grateful to my parents for ingraining it into me as a child. "Even if you don't understand, obey." I praise the Lord for the fact that I grew up under godly leadership and was able to default to obedience because those over me (knowing that they give an account to the Lord) led me well. Not to say that I always agreed with my authority- by no means. Even still, the default was obedience because I was not being asked to break the laws of God by following rules I didn't enjoy.

For the first time in my life I am being faced with the reality that my earthly authority is asking me to do something that is against the will of my heavenly (and ultimate) authority.

I know that this is a life changing path the Lord has placed me on. This is just the beginning for me.

My heart is longing for heaven like never before.
Last night we heard the cry of a mother whose son was deported 5 months ago. She wept for home- for her son. She struggles knowing that God has brought her to America but why then would He send her son back? She longs for home. Aches for it.
I wept in prayer for her. For the example I see of the longing I too should have for home- the place where my Jesus is. I am not a citizen of this earth but of heaven. I am sickened by how comfortable I have become here. I want to know that ache for heaven as Laticia does for Mexico- for reunion with the Son.

The Longing
-Enfield

"Lord, let me long for that heav'ly shore
Though wonders fill this world, there await much more
O Lord, let it seem closer than a distant dream
And make my heart pine for that land like ne'er before

God, grant me faith to trust Your perfect plan
'Til You finally complete in me the work that You began
O God, guide my feet 'til I walk on golden streets
On this narrow path ahead that leads me to Your promised land

Father, fix my eyes to see beyond my home
For my fortune and my comfort weigh me down like heavy stones
O Father, strip from me all but breath and love for Thee
So all that is within me will depend on You alone

Jesus, join Your church both in spirit and in mind
Let her always bring You joy as Your pure and faithful bride
O Jesus, may You be Savior, Lord and Coming King
In our lives as we share Your glorious gospel to mankind"

Have You Ever?

2010-03-08T15:32:00.003-07:00

I love this song. It was particularly striking to me this week. Not sure why.

Have You Ever
by Brandi Carlile

Have you ever wandered lonely through the woods?
And everything there feels just as it should
You're part of the life there
You're part of something good
If you've ever wandered lonely through the woods
if you've ever wandered lonely through the woods

Have you ever stared into a starry sky?
Lying on your back you're asking why
What's the purpose I wonder who am I
If you've ever stared into a starry sky
Have you ever stared into a starry sky

Have you ever been out walking in the snow?
Tried to get back to where you were before
You always end up not knowing where to go
If you've ever been out walking in the snow
If you'd ever been out walking you would know

Rules and Discernment

2010-03-04T13:44:00.005-07:00

Do rules weaken an individual's ability to use discernment?

I asked this question of myself while driving in Denver's late afternoon city traffic. I realized somewhere along the busy familiar way that it didn't take hardly any mental engagement on my part to arrive safely at my destination. I thought back to my experience in other countries (particularly Mexico) where the laws of traffic are significantly different (and in most cases looser). I remember having to be more alert in order to survive the overwhelmingly hectic traffic. Not to say that there are no traffic laws where I was in Mexico, they just hold to a different standard of following those rules. Traffic laws are mostly suggestions there.

I need to insert this little disclaimer here:
I don't have anything against rules really. I understand the reasoning behind them and I value them (maybe more than I ought to at times). I cling to Romans 8:1-4 in my interpretation of "law" (this passage is one of MANY which I could reference here).

"There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit."

So I know the law is weak. It can't stand alone. Nor should it. Not now.
Not in the age of the Spirit.
How then does this change how I approach the law?

Tightly Tucked

2010-02-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

I wish there were someone to tuck me in at night. Do you remember the warm safety of having your blankets tucked tightly around you each night? You didn't want to move for fear that they would come untucked.

I'm laying here on my way to sleep, thinking about how different physical rest is from all the other types of rest.
When I am tucked in in life, I find it feels the opposite of safe and lovely. I find myself kicking at the sheets, trying to gain my "freedom" from it's tight security.

How little I know of trust.
How little of surrender.

Responsibility

2010-02-17T13:57:00.006-07:00

For the last week I have been on the fast track to buying my own house in the 80205 zip code (the place in downtown Denver to which my heart has strongly been tied). This has been an incredible journey for me already.

Day 1: Talk to a Mortgage consultant and get pre-approval on a massive loan
Day 2: Convince yourself that financial you just aren't ready
Day 3: Sit down with the numbers to prove that you aren't ready and walk away with the reality that you very well CAN afford it
Day 4: Arrange to go see houses with Realtor
Day 5: Try not to think about it. Stress is building
Day 6: On the way to go see houses, extenuating circumstances cause you to cancel the appointment
Day 7: Wake up thinking you've made up your mind
unsettled=bad so that's it. Try not to give it another thought
Day 7 1/2: Start thinking about the ministry with your (at this point) imaginary neighbors and decide that you should indeed give it another thought

Which brings us to today.
Day 8: I'm thinking wait.

I wrote this in an email to my sister today.

"I don't know if I want to continue with the search right now.
I don't know if I'm ready to be so responsible.

I'm learning that the adverbial form of the word responsible must exist in relation to my choices before the adjectival form can be used to describe me...I feel like the responsible choice would be to wait- to save for another year and take out a car loan during that time to build on my debt history (of which I currently have none- which is a silly thing to be punished for). The other side of the argument says, "what better way to be responsible than to make a large purchase for which you ARE responsible?"

Following?
I have grammatical arguments like this all the time in my head. Confusing. I know."

But the grammatical argument holds no weight in the decision that faces me still.

“The mind of man plans his way, but the LORD directs his steps” -Proverbs 16:9

Day 8 1/2: I'm thinking I want to buy a house...

Overlap: temporal meets eternal

2010-02-17T13:15:00.004-07:00

It still amazes me how much influence my worldview has on my thinking (yes I understand that this is innate to a worldview). Information goes in one ear, through the lens of my worldview, and then on to my brain where it is processed and filed accordingly (I have a very detailed mental filing system). :o)

Today I was in a community collaboration meeting and someone said something that I found to be so spiritually simple and yet profound.

"It's not about doing more activities but changing minds."

Now of course, she wasn't speaking in ANY way about spiritual things- in fact, while I believe strongly in the pursuit of community involvement, I know that is temporal work. She was simply pointing out that action (including talking and planning) is worthless if it stands alone- apart from a change in the belief that has for so long, driven the wrong kind of action.

This looks to me like a similar (almost mirrored image) of what Scripture says about faith and works in James 2

"What good is it, my brothers, if someone says he has faith but does not have works? Can that faith save him? If a brother or sister is poorly clothed and lacking in daily food, and one of you says to them, 'Go in peace, be warmed and filled,' without giving them the things needed for the body, what good is that? So also faith by itself, if it does not have works, is dead." (14-17)

The world gets it too. They know that actions apart from the driving belief is worthless. So also, Christians, your faith - the belief that drives you- is worthless apart from action. So go act on your faith remembering all the while that it is the Lord who counts your actions as righteousness. It's His work not yours that matters. Read the rest of James 2 and you'll see it. "You see that faith was active along with his works, and faith was completed by his works;"

Thoughts I had today...

2010-01-21T23:45:00.005-07:00

I just had such a beautiful today so I felt the need to make note of it on "Adventure # Next". I shared this little morning story with Facebook already but I feel the need to memorialize it here on the blog as well. This post is far less serious than the others I have written. My week has been full of adventure though and what better place to record adventure than here?

So, I woke up this morning still feeling the severe aches of Tuesday's workout. Seriously. Is that healthy? Wow. Not the point. So I woke up and to say the least was not thrilled about the fact that it was time to get ready for the 7:45 staff meeting which is 45 min away from home. Again, not the point.

I happened to catch a glimpse of light that had found its way through my upturned vertical blinds, through the blackout pull down shade and around the corners of my dark brown and black striped curtains. Amazing. All it takes is one little crack. So, I decided that if the rising sun’s light were truly brilliant enough to find its way through all the barriers I had placed so confidently to keep it out then it certainly deserved my attention. So I bounded out of bed and rushed to the window, hence removing the not-so-tightly placed window coverings and revealing a not-at-all-disappointing sunrise. It was in fact quite breath taking. After my eyes adjusted to the bright light I took this picture for you to enjoy. Enjoy.

So then there was my work day. What a wonderful day it was. Quite a feat for me (not "feat." with a period that stands for “featuring” when following an artist’s name in a song title- thanks Jilly). A real big time career accomplishment. The success of the first of hopefully many Cole Community Service Provider gatherings. A well organized and executed luncheon. It was delightful. Utterly reassuring to know that all the hours of planning played out perfectly and that 30 organizations walked away with new knowledge and networks for greater community success.

After a long and refreshing work day, I spent some time driving around, running errands in the early evening time. Perfect relaxation. Driving in the car, listening to wonderful music. I looked up in the sky to find the fingernail clipping in the sky (otherwise known as the waxing moon crescent) situated in such a way that I thought about Freshman year Physical Science at BJ when Dr. Matzko asked me if I was stupid for my wrong answer about the moon. Made me laugh. I was never offended by it either. I found it sincerely entertaining. :o)

"And today was a day just like any other..."

The Emotional Narcoleptic

2010-01-12T13:14:00.003-07:00

This is one of those, "so I had a random thought" kind of blogs.

Yesterday I found out that a friend of mine is narcoleptic. While I'm sure we all had a good laugh over narcoleptic Enrico Pollini (played by Rowan Atkinson) in Rat Race I'm thinking it's not so funny in real life. Pretty serious actually.

In college I used to thrive on those late night cram sessions to complete a last minute assignment.
I remember my last semester of college- that 20 page paper that was due.
The one I started the week of and wrote 10 pages of the night before.
Ya, that night of 3 Starbucks double shots in a two hour span.
I forced my body to come up with the energy needed to finish that paper (and get a pretty darn good grade on it too).
My narcoleptic friend can't do that.

That was all just a side note. The thought started when she told me that her body has a built in prevention for over stressing. It just shuts down.

"Funny," I thought, "I kind of have an emotional switch like that."

I've never really thought of it like that before but it's true. It's almost as if emotionally I get to a certain point and then it just shuts off- goes to sleep until the situation has reached a more manageable level of emotional involvement. Accept it never happens with what we would view as positive emotions. I am fully capable of experiencing extreme amounts of happiness without my emotional narcolepsy kicking in. It only kicks in when something makes me sad.

I wonder,
Is there any way to keep it from turning off?
What would happen if I were able to let myself feel the depths of sorrow?
To be honest, I don't even know what they look like...

My unchanging God in my ever changing world

2010-01-10T23:21:00.007-07:00

The blog you are about to read has been recycled from my written journal dated 7/8/09.

I was in the middle of enjoying an exceedingly delicious steak yesterday when it got me thinking, “What a great God who would let me enjoy such a good gift as this.” :o) That was the start. Then I was thinking of how God has made me dependant on consuming food. He could have created me to be self sufficient but He, in His great kindness, made me need food AND be able to enjoy it.
And so the analogy begins. God could have made me spiritually self sufficient but He has ordained progressive sanctification by means of the Bread of Life. The Bible must be my daily food. Must be consumed for life, and that takes work on my part.

Side note: so, I (the 1/10/10 me) disagree with myself (the 7/8/09 me) here. It takes work on my part? Really? Since when was any good thing inside me, or done by me ever the result of my work?
Galatians 3:3 “Are you so foolish? Having begun by the Spirit, are you now being perfected by the flesh?”

But the work isn’t like the feeding of animals who don’t enjoy it. It is MUCH different for image bearers. It is my reward also.
So last night after hours of meditation on food and The Word and food in the coming Kingdom, I was hungry (and I don’t mean for another steak). I sincerely desired the Word and when I ate some, it only made the longing stronger! I even read about food. :o)

I stared here in Isaiah 1:16-20.

“Wash yourselves; make yourselves clean; remove the evil of your deeds from before my eyes; cease to do evil, learn to do good; seek justice, correct oppression; bring justice to the fatherless, plead the widow's cause. "Come now, let us reason together, says the LORD: though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall become like wool. If you are willing and obedient, you shall eat the good of the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you shall be eaten by the sword; for the mouth of the LORD has spoken."

The Lord calls for repentance. He says “If you consent and obey, you will eat the best of the land” vs 19
The reward = food, eating

Isaiah 3:1 begins with the negative- famine because of rebellion
Vs 10 again is the reward given in food and eating for the righteous

Isaiah 5:11-12

“Woe to those who rise early in the morning, that they may run after strong drink, who tarry late into the evening as wine inflames them! They have lyre and harp, tambourine and flute and wine at their feasts, but they do not regard the deeds of the LORD, or see the work of his hands."

This is different because the woe is not due to visible action here. God says “woe” to the ones who have wine WITHOUT acknowledging the deeds of the Lord (I dare say this passage is not referring just to substances but to any doing or using without the acknowledgement of God). The one who provided the gift. It goes deeper here- to the heart’s response (all this is punished by famine and drought).

*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*~~~*

I came across this a few days ago (exactly 6 months later- 1/8/10) and was stunned by the change that has taken place in my heart from that day to today. Oh how I wanted it then! I can’t say that I have ANY idea when the change began but I’ve been in a funk as my dear friend Jill would call it and I’ve been there for a few weeks (it feels so much longer than that). A spiritual desert of sorts.

As of late I have been wrestling with the fact that I don’t feel motivated to pursue Christ. I’m learning to not hate verbalizing the truth that shows my weakness. Oh how I hate being weak! Even with the knowledge that weakness is good and allows for great amounts of grace to be worked out in my life, I can’t help but feel entirely uncomfortable there. It’s funny, I really don’t experience being uncomfortable all that often so it’s even more of a foreign concept to me and I simply dislike it.
Back to the point- I’m struggling with motivation that actually produces action. So I read this quote the other day.

“…there are two ways to run from God- rebellion and religion, and only one way to live in him- in a relationship of affection.” ~Wayne Jacobsen

I’m realizing that I’m still running from God. No, it doesn’t look like it used to, all polished up with a bow on top and a name tag that said “Religion”. Now it’s just ugly. It’s just rebellion. I see what I’m supposed to be doing and I walk away. I went from Isaiah 5 to Isaiah 1 but they’re both just running.

It’s not that I haven’t had my spurts of affection. I had a few each day.
It’s not that I have zero desire for the Lord. Not by any means. It's been there all along.
It’s just a self focused, dessert dwelling sort of time in life when I don’t SEE the Lord and I feel like I'm fading.
I’m praising Him for faith in spite of it though. The fact that I still believe He is here – right now in my time of suffering- THAT is faith and HE gives faith.
Faith makes me believe that my suffering has a purpose and so I am learning to embrace that suffering for the sake of what I will gain of my Christ.

David told me tonight that the work of Christ on my behalf to count me as righteous before the Father is only part of the equation. While that ought to motivate me it is only half of the picture. The other half is the work of the Spirit in my life to produce the action.
:o) < That right there is the representation of the first internal smile when it comes to this little journey that I have felt in a few weeks. It is followed by a sigh of relief.
:o) *sigh* (and another)

"Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation."
The Lord is at work.
Aslan in on the move.
"Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation and my God."
I wanted the Word again today.
I wanted it and the Spirit took me there and let me drink.

Not all questions have answers

2009-11-29T17:49:00.005-07:00

Of this I am keenly aware.

I believe that God gives all good gifts and that all the gifts He gives are good.
So what do I do with unfulfilled desire?
How does my belief change the way I view my current situation?
If my desire is not against the character of God- in itself it is not sin- and the desire is still unfulfilled what do I do with it?

It's easy to say wait.

Is it possible to fake it til you make it?

It's fairly easy to believe that what I have is good (in my head at least) but this doesn't produce understanding or even contentment.

Is understanding a necessary part of contentment? (I KNOW the answer to this one- NO)

I'm beginning to see that contentment is given and sustained not in who I am but in who God is. That He never changes- that He IS enough- that He views me as righteous- that He (having satiated the wrath of God toward my sin on the cross) sat down and it was finished- that He DOES give good gifts so I MUST view the gift I am receiving with open arms in full acceptance of His goodness apart from my understanding.

Is that the answer then? To all unanswered questions?

Not Guilty Anymore

2009-11-22T23:46:00.005-07:00

Confession:
This past week has been (in a few words) sick, awful, discouraging, rotten, and just plain old bad. It may come as a shock to you if you don't know me well but yes, I do experience bad days and weeks.
Life isn't always as carefree as I often make it appear.

In retrospect I realize that my so called "bad week" was due to an extreme amount of sin in my life- big shocker (those last 2 words spoken in the most sarcastic tone you can imagine). I have been on a "journey" to experiencing brokenness and lifestyle repentance over the last few weeks but it has looked far different than I imagined it would.

Several weeks ago now I read Romans 2:4 and it completely baffled me ("Or do you presume on the riches of his kindness and forbearance and patience, not knowing that God's kindness is meant to lead you to repentance?").
I thought, "I certainly experience kindness but I just soak and the truth is, my response isn't repentance. Something is wrong here."

So my goal the last few weeks was to seek the Lord in His Word, wherein I would experience great kindness and ultimately I would know repentance (you see, that is the formula that leads to perfect repentance - repeat sarcastic tone here).

I had more time than usual to spend seeking the Lord in His Word this week, and while I did read more this week than I have for a while I was consumed with guilt over my failure to be consistent.
Now, you must understand, I didn't know it was guilt. I was simply frustrated and rightfully so I told myself. I remember specifically telling myself one day, "I need to understand the importance and place of spiritual disciplines in my life so that I can take them seriously. I'm serious this time. No, really." but the guilt didn't drive me to the Word (never does). (please know that I am not in any way discrediting spiritual disciplines and if you will follow my journey with me to the end you will see quite the opposite conclusion)

So as I was saying, the guilt didn't drive me to the Word but rather further from seeking it for fear of what I might see of myself there (as though I seek myself in the Word and not the Lord- how foolish). While I desired repentance I was scared and it only made me feel more guilty for avoiding time with God and the cycle just spun downward until I felt on the edge of giving up.
Which brings us to tonight.

My favorite new Ben friend wrote me a message tonight wherein he stated:

"...I've been very lacking in communication with Abba, Father lately. I don't feel guilty about that, but I'm just disappointed because I know I'm missing out, yet all these distractions in my life get placed as more important. I think God might define that as idolatry, and that is not exactly acceptable. And because I'm thinking about it, and I want it, I'm going to go in my room and get my Bible out and spend a little time with Him."

Maybe it was the sincerity I could practically see in his face (though 2,000 miles away) in the statement "I don't feel guilty about that" or the fact that his desire drove him to immediate action, but that short paragraph sparked something for me. I remembered an article my dear friend Mark shared with me years ago (one I was unprepared for at that time and rejected but a truth the Lord had reserved for tonight):

Freedom From Quite Time Guilt by Greg Johnson

I'm labeling this article a must read because I can't describe the change I believe it has begun already in my life even these last few hours. The article outlines a "strength Christianity" (where my consistency proves my standing with God) vs a "weakness Christianity" (where my inability and complete lack of power provides my standing with God). As I read it the Lord began breaking down walls in my heart and comforting me with His strength in my weakness. I'm embracing my weakness. The fact that I can't do it is where I find that I'm not supposed to- He can, He has and is doing it (the work to bring about my righteousness was accomplished in Christ- not my sacrifices)! The article revealed my wrong view of Scripture reading as a "discipline" and forgetting that it is a grace.

Psalm 51:16-17
"For you will not delight in sacrifice, or I would give it; you will not be pleased with a burnt offering. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise."

Conclusion:
I have been seeking a "repentance experience" out of my sins this week. What I found though, was that I am so completely blind that I don't even recognize sin in my life. I was focusing on my actions (or rather lack thereof) as the sin - my failure to read every day - when in reality my sin was one of the heart (pride) - the desire to claim consistency as my stronghold. I am not commanded in Scripture to "read the Bible every day or else" but I am commanded to mediate (which I was doing). I was legalistically holding myself to a standard that God didn't put there.

The Lord has begun a good work in me. I am experiencing repentance and like I said, it looks nothing like I thought it would.

I weep for joy and not out of pain.
Where I expected pain I found relief.
I lived as though chained down by guilt but realize now that I am free!
Free to desire and pursue time with God- guilt free time!

"And I beheld God’s love displayed
You suffered in my place
You bore the wrath reserved for me
Now all I know is grace (not just discipline)
Hallelujah! All I have is Christ
Hallelujah! Jesus is my life"
(All I Have Is Christ- Na Band)

2 songs by Aaron Keyes are SO fitting to this that I can't not mention them here:
Not What My Hands and Not Guilty Anymore (which you can listen to for free at Rhapsody)

Not what my hands have done,
Can save my guilty soul
Not what my toiling flesh has borne,
Can make my spirit whole
Not what I feel or do,
Can give me peace with God
Not all my prayers and sighs and tears,
Can bear my awful load

Thy work alone, O Christ,
Can ease this weight of sin
Thy blood alone, O Lamb of God,
Can give me peace within
Thy love, to me, O God,
Not mine, O Lord, to Thee
Can rid me of this dark unrest,
And set my spirit free

Thy grace alone, O God,
To me can pardon speak
Thy power, O Lamb of God,
Can this sore bondage break
No other works save Thine,
No other blood will do
The strength of God which is divine,
Can bear me safely through

These guilty hands are raised
Filthy rags are all I bring
And I have come to hide beneath your wings
These holy hands are raised
Washed in the fountain of your grace

Under the Weather

2009-11-17T16:29:00.006-07:00

I found myself under the weather today.
Typical symptoms include: achy body, sore throat, runny nose.
I blame this conundrum on a long coat-less walk I took through the cold shadows of the skyscrapers in downtown Denver yesterday, one way empty handed and the other way loaded with $400 worth of printed marketing materials.

Why is there healing power in a heavy blanket and a hot cup of tea?

Why does the tea taste better out of my old favorite childhood mug?

Am I actually warmer for imagining that long gone fall-mountain-sunshine or is that simply psychological?

Saying Goodbye

2009-11-17T11:42:00.005-07:00

I began composing this entry back in May and when I came across it today, decided it was time to share it.

5/06/2009
I am extremely grateful for the way the Lord reminds me of my future hope and just how far separated I am from perfection right now. He constantly is at work to reconcile all things (including my understanding) to Himself. (Colossians 1:19-20 “For in him all the fullness of God was pleased to dwell, and through him to reconcile to himself all things, whether on earth or in heaven, making peace by the blood of his cross.”) This is all necessary because of our fallen and separated state. When the first sin was committed in the garden, goodbyes became necessary. Death would happen and we would have to say goodbye. Eternal separation would bring painful goodbyes that would never be reconciled but for those who believe in the resurrection of Christ over death and sin, for these there is a hope of a future reunion. (I Thessalonians 4:13-18)

So here I am on the brink of my college graduation. I try not to think about all the people who I will say goodbye to in three days. The day I’ve anticipated for years -May 9, 2009- is now approaching with a mix of excitement and dread and I’m trying to deal with it all. My typical method of dealing (analyzing it until it makes sense) doesn’t seem to be working. The thought popped into my head, “Why did God make goodbyes?” They don’t seem to fit into my understanding of His character and plan. Usually, I’m able to fit everything under my umbrella of preparation for future glory and a greater understanding of God (example: earthly marriage as a way to relate to my heavenly bridegroom, creation as a glimpse of the beauty of my God etc.) but now I’ve hit this road block. Goodbyes? Where do they fit in? Ultimately, when I’ve reached that “blissful shore” I won’t have to say goodbye any more. I’ll be with my Savior forever. I suppose there will be those goodbyes to all the ones who won’t join me in Canaan but is that really all that goodbyes represent?

So here I am, just over 6 months later and it seems like yesterday that I asked these questions. I never came to a conclusion and I still feel powerless to reach one.

Could it be that goodbyes in their pain and discomfort are meant to draw me closer to their antithesis- perfect unity with my Creator, devoid of all separation?

These questions remind me of my finite state and cause me to greatly anticipate the day when 1 Corinthians 13:12 will be fulfilled in me:
“For now we see in a mirror, darkly; but then face to face: now I know in part; but then shall I know fully even as also I was fully known.”

Oh for that day when faith becomes sight!
When blind trust won't be needed because all will be known!
Oh Lord, increase my faith now until that blessed day comes!

Philippians 3:20-1 “But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself.”

Praise [preyz]- L pretium - prize, worth, reward

2009-11-15T01:00:00.002-07:00

Praise (as defined by the Random House Unabridged Dictionary)

1. the act of expressing approval or admiration; commendation; laudation.
2. the offering of grateful homage in words or song, as an act of worship: a hymn of praise to God.

I finally made it to the ISI (International Students Inc.) meeting at the meeting place tonight. I’ve been meaning to go for a while but kept making excuses about having better things to do.
Foolish really.
Depriving myself each time of a unique blessing.
A ministry to reach the world with Christ through International Students right here in Denver.

The topic of tonight’s discussion was The Souls Need for Praise.
From one of the opening statements that “praise completes our enjoyment” of the object we praise to another, that “our enjoyment is only as good/lasting as the things we give our praise to” the night was full of thought provoking statements.

During discussion time the question that most captured my attention was:
“Does praise come from our experience?”
followed by
“Are we able to praise something that we haven’t experienced?”

This is the background as to why the questions above really struck me tonight.
In one of his current graduate classes through BBC my friend Kevin is studying the difference between the Old Testament Christian experience and modern day Christianity. Where the Israelites literally experienced God (they saw the Red Sea part in front of them and consume the Egyptians behind them, etc.) we, in present Christianity have head knowledge (we read about these acts of power) before we have the experience to reinforce that knowledge. Chew on that one for a while.

Help me out here:
Does experience only come through the senses?
Do you have to taste a food before you can appreciate it?
Do you have to see the ocean before you can appreciate its beauty?
What if someone describes the food to you? What if they explain all the facets of the ocean? Can you still experience praise? Without firsthand experience…

Help me think through this.

Music (myoo-zik)- Gk mousik (téchnē) (the art) of the Muse

2009-11-11T17:19:00.008-07:00

Music (as defined by the Random House Unabridged Dictionary)
1. an art of sound in time that expresses ideas and emotions in significant forms through the elements of rhythm, melody, harmony and color.

Over the last month I have had the chance to experience the depths of this definition of music.

Art.

Expression of ideas.

Emotions.

Color!

Here are a few excerpts…

On the large scale there was the Creed concert that my brother and I went to. A display of musical magnitude.

Incredible talent both vocally and instrumentally.

Part of the enjoyment of music comes in sharing it with people you care about. I think this is true of all of God's gifts. Perhaps even part of the reason He created me? To share in the beauty that His is...

I've been lucky to have some fun sharing music with others as well.

Jon and I after the Creed and Staind concert.

Jon, Mom, me and Dad at Wicked.

Another display of FANTASTIC musical ability mixed with beautiful performance.

First Churchill concert at The Marquis here in Denver.
I have become such a huge fan of this new local band. (New friend Mike from church is the mandolin player.)

This is a new song by Churchill called Sons and Daughters. Beautiful words and music performed at Everyday Joe's in Ft. Collins.

Another local group called SHEL. I was blown away by the mandolin action in the song Tuscany.

God is the one who gives ability!!! Let's praise Him!

Isaiah 5:11-12 says, "Woe to those who rise early in the morning, that they may run after strong drink, who tarry late into the evening as wine inflames them! They have lyre and harp, tambourine and flute and wine at their feasts, but they do not regard the deeds of the LORD, or see the work of his hands."

The sin is not in their strong drink, their instruments or their feasts but rather in their lack of acknowledging God.

I read this quote on a friend’s Facebook this morning and thought it fitting for the post I was composing:

"Therefore, in reading profane authors, the admirable light of truth displayed in them should remind us, that the human mind, however much fallen and perverted from its original integrity, is still adorned and invested with admirable gifts from its Creator...In despising the gifts, we insult the Giver." ~ John Calvin

I praise the Lord for the ability to enjoy these gifts daily!

What I most appreicate about my local church:

2009-11-02T12:18:00.002-07:00

Today I entered myself in a "drawing" for a free ESV Study Bible by submitting a short composition about what I most appreciate about my local church. I thought it was a great way to record the recent blessings from PBC.

Alyssa G.
Denver, CO
Providence Bible Church

I am a part of a church plant that just celebrated it's 1 year anniversary in September. Even though I have been attending church my whole life I believe I am experiencing a complete church for the first time as a part of Providence Bible Church. Nothing is assumed here. Basic Christianity is being redefined and its only source is the Word of God, traditions aside. While I have lived the importance of community my whole life, surrounded by believers and recognizing our dependence on one another in the church (for the use of gifts and for ministry, for evangelism and discipleship and so much more) it was at Providence that I first learned the theology of christian community.

The theology of community is supported all throughout Scripture and we overlook it far too often. One of my pastor's recently stated "Community was not created" and he is completely right. Community existed within the Triune God long before creation. Genesis 1:26-7
speaks of this community by using plural terms and even more clearly Christ, in His priestly prayer in John 17 (specifically verses 20-26) asks that those whom He has called will be "one" just as He and the Father are one. Community is rooted in the theology of God.

At Providence I am learning not only the theology of community but the daily activity and working out of that community. Formally and informally we are encouraged to live as the church -the body of Christ- not just at the meeting place on Sunday but every day of the
week. Taking part in community draws my heart to a daily praise of the God who freely gives of Himself to me through the church.